I race this high,
and I don’t know why.
It feels good,
anonymity of a hood.
My loved ones shan’t know,
like discovery of a cove.
Darkness shrouds it,
as the feeling clouds it.
Peace will not hide,
what the high surly finds.
It must have an end,
to this high I defend.
One day it will end,
and so until then,
catch me at the bend.
Peace churns,
where it burns.
Love yearns.
Here is an excerpt from my first novel: Deviance. You can find a link to its Amazon page ‘Here’.
*
V took a seat. She looked a little bewildered.
“You feeling anything?” asked Nathan.
“I don’t know… maybe? I think I feel something.”
He took a seat next to her. “It’ll probably take a while for me.”
“Oh yeah?” V asked in a playful, fuck-you tone.
“Yeahaha.”
“Oh yeah? Tough shit?”
“It’s in my blood, on my dad’s side. We Australians got poisoned so much we’ve become immune to it.”
“You’re Australian?!”
“Well my grandpa is.”
“Oh I didn’t know. That’s cool.”
“Yeah it’s not bad. We can handle toxicants, but we don’t seem to talk too much. At least not my grandpa and dad.”
V sat silent, intent on Nathan continuing.
“I can remember one time,” he blurted as the memory hit him, “where my dad actually pulled an amazing line. Like a heart to heart moment with me.”
“What was it?” she asked.
“I must have been ten. Our dog Moe died and I hid away in my room cause I couldn’t stop crying. And my dad, to my utter surprise, came in and told me, ‘You know son, in life, the further you walk, the more you know. The more you know, the more you grow. The more you grow, the less you feel. And the less you feel, the further you walk.’ At the time I just thought he was being a heartless asshole, but I see now what he meant. Life’s taken my family away and yet… I’m not destroyed. I don’t quite know how to say it but I feel as if, something might have played a role in my survival, so far. But then again, maybe not at all and it was just dumb luck. Who knows.”
I have to start this by making sure everyone knows as a basic fact that we are all alone, at every moment, inside our heads. Now, with that being said I will begin with a question. When you imagine being alone, are you sad? Or are you relieved?
As an evolutionary fact we humans are social creatures. We rely on each other to survive, to thrive, and in general to be happy. We have family members, friends, and partners. It is part of our makeup, regardless if you are an introvert or extrovert.
The majority of people today are introverts. It may be because of technology. The convenience to do what you want, when you want makes it more appealing to not socialize. Why listen to songs you don’t absolutely love, or put yourself in potentially uncomfortable situations when you can just stay at home.
Personally, I love being alone. With that said, however, I also love to socialize. But being alone allows me the ability to write for hours without interruption, go to the gym, watch movies or do whatever else without having to break up a schedule or not do it at all. It is very selfish of me and I am aware of that. I understand the role parents put themselves in when they decide to try and conceive. It is a truly noble and selfless act. I am currently at a stage in my life where I haven’t fully grown up, and won’t until I sacrifice the freedom I currently indulge.
For many people that I know, being alone is boring and something to be avoided. It makes them sad when they don’t have people around. They can’t find the balance between socializing and isolation unless the latter is moments before sleep. As I stated earlier, I haven’t fully grown up, so I am still working on the balance. Some people go their whole lives either pushing people away, or clinging when it’s inappropriate because of this. Socialize too much, and you don’t know who you are when you’re alone. Spend too much time in your head, and you forget what it’s like to mingle with company. Both things are equally important.
Time spent alone allows the mind to breathe. It allows thought without criticism, creativity without backlash, and wonder without insecurity. Great positivity can flourish in these periods, but also great negativity. It is important to notice those around you that may be in a place of self-hatred or degradation. It was not the fault of every serial killer’s parents that they couldn’t have changed their son’s life around before it was too late, but perhaps to notice someone spending too much time alone, and pulling them out into the world might do them tremendous good. Life may be beautiful but it wasn’t meant to be stared at for ten years straight without any interaction.
We are bipedal primates that managed to create language to better interact with each other. We built civilization on the notion of betterment for all. If we were only meant to be alone, we would still be living in caves and grunting at passers-by. I find tremendous purpose in being alone for periods of time, to allow inspiration and relaxation to flow through me. I also base my life on society, and the interactions I have with the people in it. To my mom, siblings, extended family, close friends and the like, and to my girlfriend: I love you.
When did the sun leave me?
The dark is so sudden. It shocks by contrast of a stark blue glow.
The glow clicks and rattles quietly so as not to disturb those sleeping.
Global communities soothe away the edges.
It feels nice to hurt a little, be it a sting behind the eyes or a fuzzing down the spine.
The future is exciting in its mysterious way.
When did the sun meet me?
Vancouver is a nice place I hear. I’ve never been, is what I’m inferring. Though I’ve lived in this country of Canada for 25 years now, I’ve never traveled west of Ontario. However, there is a connection Vancouver now has with the city I was born and raised in: Burlington, and it is for what the nostalgia in me is screaming, not a good thing. If you were around ‘the Couve’ way back in 1975, you would have noticed a bunch of convenience stores crop up with the name ‘Mac’s Milk’. Forty years later and anyone raised in a suburban or urban area in Canada knows about Mac’s Milk. They went big, to say the least. I lived down the street from one and along-side Tim Hortons it was a Canadian staple in my mind. Convenience you have a name! I never bought milk from them, but slushies you bet’cha.
My childhood passed into young adulthood and my time hanging out in plazas faded away… I went off to school, returned and began working steady. No more time for Mac’s except for the old drunken journeys to chips land. It became a thing of the past… Then the other day I drove to Timmy’s for a double double and their sign was gone! I think to myself this just can’t be. Is business not going well for them or something? I remembered back some years when one of their other locations in Burlington closed due to something of that like. So now what’s this? Circle K?! It reeks of corporation. It’s simple to remember and the sign is easy on the eyes. If I were a child or simple-minded I’d love it.
Another one popped up down the road. There! Another one! What the heck, it’s more than just Mac’s Milk. What’s going on here? So I look into it, and to my utter lack of surprise, business stuff happened. Completely legitimate business stuff. Back in 2015, Mac’s Milk was bought out by Circle K. Okay. Along with other companies. This American giant had the big bucks; good for it. THEN, making complete sense looking back from the future, Circle K decided to switch all the names over. And guess in what city they began this implementation? THAT IS RIGHT, right down the road from yours truly. Now it all adds up, eh? How Vancouver connects to Burlington. From the left side of the country Mac’s began, and to the middle-right it fizzled out of existence. Nostalgia what have you done to me?
In the end I don’t really care, it was only at first. It was only when I first found out did I feel the pain of losing something I thought would be around long after I passed to the other side. It’s like a dog experiencing the loss of its owner. It doesn’t really know to do with itself. You were bigger than me Mac’s, and now you have been dissolved, fare thee well.
There are always two sides to things. There is this and that. There is me and them. There is will and won’t, is and isn’t. Here and there. Right and wrong. Will they, won’t they. How and haven’t. Why and why not. Two extremes; light and dark.
Dimorphism.
Males and females split things rather cohesively, except that there is a spectrum. Males can be very feminine and females can be very masculine. The fact that there are trans people, gay people and lesbians builds the blur in the ‘black and white’ structure, even without tom boys and metrosexuals. It doesn’t make things equal out but allows to broaden one’s horizon on duality.
If it were taken further, many believe in a split between body and self. My body is just the housing for my soul. That is not true to those who are knowledgeable on neurology. The self is a construct of the brain put in place to help survival. We are not a special person, we are many people in this play at life. But duality still exists.
Self; selfish intentions, building one’s ego, being a self-made whatever, (be it songwriter, engineer, salesman/woman, officer of the law, whatever,) develops meaning in one’s life. And we all do so through the thought that it is us, and them. Or us against them. You can’t trust the police. You can’t trust the government. You can’t trust anybody. We all lie to an extent unless your life is devoted to honesty; which individuals do here and there and usually destroy relationships they’ve had by doing so. But it’s end goal is towards accomplishments, which is again a self thing.
Separation exists for everyone, and it is important to note it, like it is important to note your diet, exercise, professional interactions and so on. We are all in this life right here and now, and there is duality in it. For those in intimate relationships there is a positive way to look at it. Your entire life is a story. It started when you were born and it will go on until you die; perhaps noted on long after. And the other is the other story, to be attached to your life the moment you two meet. Afterward, the two great lifelong stories become intertwined, and create one tale. Chapters separate perspective of each, but mingle in a cocktail of experiences lived, and maybe noted for longer more.
We live even in our own selves with this duality as we rope our own thoughts and beliefs and dreams together. Shall I? Shall I not? One more day. No more. Let them have it. Not this time. Just breathe deep. Time to blow. Life is art and art is life. This thing we are all doing, in conjunction with the rest of nature, is a beautiful thing even if at times troubling. Trek on I say. Make experiences, and make note of them. Do the best you can, and try to enjoy the ride while it’s happening.
The Joe Van 