Thoughts

Back

Allow me to take you on a retrospective journey… thinking back to who I was at the turn of my second decade.

God, I’m still so stupid. No, I shouldn’t use that word. I’m learning and will learn for the rest of my life, there’s nothing wrong with that. I was just so lazy and selfish, and I still see it so much in myself.

Side note; it’d been nice if I did this when I was 25, just a cleaner number, but I was still drinking back then.

Now, when I was 20, I remember one instance of me throwing a half-eaten sub out the moving passenger window where I sat. I don’t do that anymore, nor did I then but I did when I was in high school. There are so many simple things I had no problem with that I find distasteful now. There could have been a flip of a coin on whether or not I’d clean up after myself, dress appropriately, drink or smoke, as well as take drugs for the hell of it. I feel less free now because of restrictions I put on myself but it’s things that should have been basic all along, like the dangers of staring at the sun.

It IS impossible not to take note of how freeing it really was to damage myself without a care in the world. I look back every now and again when I hear a song or smell something on the breeze, to sepia-filtered days of biking with my friends, smoking and drinking, and talking about ideas and events. It all seemed so full and filled with anticipation. Those memories will stay with me until I die or develop dementia, and they will be good. I think it does help to have lived while alive, seeing how in my current life I just work to burn out before finding a second wind.

Another instance I can recall is when I really thought I was getting my foot in the entertainment door. I left my labour job and began working for an advertising company. It took off rocky at the start because my phone/watch went back an hour on my first day. I arrived at location over an hour early and waited at a Timmy’s close by until I got a text asking where I was. One week later and I was fired. For all I know I deserved it but it really felt like for the first time I truly gave a shit, and my passion was answered with disdain.

Again, selfish (I mean really posting this thing in the first place online…)

So in conclusion to my retrospection, I’m sure we all look back at our younger selves, be it 30 years prior or only one, and feel as if we could have been so much better, but to live in such regret helps nothing and no one. We can only look at our current selves and think, “Would my future self be proud of me?” See my 12 suggestions post if that helps, and remember, I love you, your dog or cat loves you (alive, in heaven, or from the future,) and so should you!

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